Friendships are said to develop in specific stages called the "ABCDE model". This ABCDE model stands for Acquaintanceship, Buildup, Continuation, Deterioration, and Ending. This sequence is not only the way that friendships are built, but also how they change.
There are basically three expansive themes that govern friendships as adults:
- Affect/Emotional Basis: This aspect is refers to self-disclosure and expressions of things like appreciation, affection, and support and is all based on trust, loyalty, and commitment.
- Shared/Communal Nature: This aspect has to do with the specific way that friends participate, or support, each other in activities which they both enjoy.
- Sociability/Compatibility: This aspect is basically the way in which friends have fun, and enjoy each others company. This can include them being sources of amusement, fun, and recreational partners
I laughed a little at this (OK, a lot) mainly because it seems so true. Men are constantly (in my opinion) in some sort of "challenge" with one another when girls are off talking and sharing with each other. Not to be stereotypical, but you have to admit, you've seen this a few times before :) Although, in contrast to that, I know a few girls who can constantly suck you into some sort of competition with them and are totally not the "sharing" type, or run their friendships off of emotional aspects. I guess it all just depends on the person. Like it said in the book, men have to live up to the social pressure of being "brave and strong" while women are mainly pushed to gossip and share their feelings with each other.
I think I can relate to this section because I have a few friends who don't really match up to "my style of friends", or what the book says is the reason, or steps, that we became friends. Some of them I met right off the bat and we were automatically close, others it took about 2 years to really become close to them and open up. I think it all just depends on what you, as a person, are looking for at that particular time in your life. Everyone has different aspects they look for in close friends they choose and the people they pick to be around. I feel like saying friendships have to happen in a specific sequence is like saying everyone falls in love at the same time, or they are move in together at exactly 6 months... Just seems like a really hard thing to categorize as the only way things can happen.
Anyways, this whole section was fun to read and I definitely learned a lot about how relationships build up and what the potential outcome of most relationships is.
Thanks for reading!
-Keisha
I'm a man, and most of my friendships (with men and women) are based more on "intimate sharing" than "friendly competition." The book suggests that this is a minority position for a guy, and I can't really disagree. I have the "friendly competition" type friendships as well, and they're always an odd fit for me.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to say anything in particular about gender roles here, because gender roles are broad generalizations anyway, and there are always plenty of exceptions. I don't think it's remarkable that I don't match.
But I do think it's interesting that I notice those "competitive" friendships as being outside my comfort zone. It's like I have a default position for friendships, and have a hard time being in a different position. That's consistent with what the book is saying about themes of friendship.
Also, side note: I do have one friendship where we seem to be in a heated competition over who can self-disclose and express commitment more than the other person. It's probably not healthy. But I think I'm winning.
I know what you mean about having a variety of friends in your life and how each friendship is different. There are so many different levels of friendship depending on the stage of life we're in. I think friendships serve a purpose based on what we need at that particular moment also.
ReplyDeleteThe joy of having friends is that they are there when you need them to fill that void you are missing. Sometimes I almost feel guilty because I have three really close friends whom I love dearly and I consider each one of them my "best" friend, there is no way I could just choose one (they each fit into the expansive theme of friends you describe above) that sounds kind of funny and maybe my guilt stems from that childhood "best friend" mentality. Sometimes I just have to laugh about it.
My first friend I met on the first day of kindergarten, she has since moved away and sometimes we don't talk for months but I know she will always be there for me. My second friend from high school has been the rock I look to for advice and a place to run to when I need someone or she needs me. My third friend is the fun friend I have had many adventures with and she knows all of my deep dark secrets.
I have other people I consider my friends and they fit into many other aspects of my life. My point is thank God for friends and I hope I am a good friend to the ones I care about because they are crucial in my life and have gotten me through so much.